A Melancholy Bastard

     As the playoffs seem to be falling directly into the Heats hands, it’s time for this fan to put his head in the pillow scream and think about next year.  Thinking about next year for Cavalier fans is the closest thing to a Pavlovian response, but for the first time in awhile(1990 to be exact) I am very pleased in the direction the Cavaliers are taking.  I never loved how we tried to build around Lebron.  Losing Boozer killed the team and led to bad trade after bad trade hoping to make up for it.  I blame Lebron demanding to win now as much as not getting the right pieces around him.  The Cavs now have the tools to build correctly.   There will not be a draft until 2015 where the Cavs won’t have at least 2 first round draft picks, three if we somehow figure out how to make Sacramento win.  Here are 5 steps to building it the right way.

1. Take a nice nap during free agency for the next couple years-  You deserve the rest, just sleep.  Cavs are building a great war chest, and I don’t want a penny of it spent on high priced overrated free agency.  This money is meant for one thing only.  Resigning Irving, Thompson, and whoever we draft the next few years.  Being able to sign Irving to a max deal and that we have the money to sign his running mates to the same deal is the only way to keep the stars in Cleveland.
2. Tristan Thompson 14 10 3- This is not the new number code to the hatch.  Chris Grant and Byron Scott need to hand him a piece of paper with three simple numbers on it, 14 10 3.  14 points, 10 rebounds, and 3 blocks.  This is what we need from him.  Some say you need more from the 4th pick in the NBA draft, but in this draft it’s clear that 14, 10, 3 is pretty great.  With the additions we can get in the draft this is what we need.  We must also let him know how valuable this is for us.  Tristan in my plan will be the hardest piece to keep happy as our future draft picks become the 2nd and 3rd scoring option Tristan will have to get the put back points and become the defensive stall worth and rebound machine.  It will be easy for another team to say hey we think you can score 25 a night.  Cavs have to ensure him a better way to win is 14 10 3.
3. Lottery pick has to be a Robin-  What I mean by this is the Cavs have to draft the player that will be Kyrie Irvings sidekick.  This is the guy that will make Kyrie Irving go, it would be crazy to leave Cleveland this is the guy.  In this draft I think there are three guys that do that.  I realistically take us out of the Anthony Davis sweepstakes, so that leaves us with three players that we can draft between 2-5(our likely drafting spot is somewhere in there unless Big Nick pulls through again).  In order my hope is we draft Bradley Beal, Michael Gilchrest Kidd, and Harrison Barnes.  I like Andre Drummonds but of the top six he has the highest bust appeal.  I choose Beal over Gilchrest only because I feel he compliments Irving more and there is a small forward I like a lot at 24.  Any of the three are a great addition but Barnes worries me just a bit.
4. The Commodores are not just a band- With the second of our two draft picks I first must look to our first pick and say if we get the small forward take the scoring guard at 24 or vice versa.  Now this should lead to a lot of what if and who do you pick but it’s very simple whatever happens you draft a player out of Vanderbilt.  Whether it’s Jeff Taylor at 3 or John Jenkins at 2 you’re getting the right compliment to Irving, Thompson, and our lottery pick.     Both have at least 3 years of college ball and the only reason they aren’t getting drafted higher is the upside.  You know what you’re getting with both of these guys.  Smart, good defenders who can absolutely shoot the ball and understand the team game.  Ideally it’s Jeff Taylor.
5. Draft a few developmental centers and really think about trading Andy-  With two second round draft picks the Cavs need to go big.  While in my plan the center is not the biggest piece he is an important one.  And while we can wait til next year(I really type that phrase well) a developmental center is a great piece.  Trading Andy would maybe be more for him than us.  Andy would be a great piece on a team close to the ceiling needing a guy who understands dirty work.  His contract is not eye gouging and guess what, we would get at least a first round pick for him, no lottery conditions this time.  

I know a million people do mock drafts and people go about it all sorts of different ways.  Trying to predict beyond the second pick most years is impossible.  Those trying to predict often fail, so if you go about it as this is what should happen to make every team better leads to less failure and more shaking your head on what Jacksonville does every year.  This is not what could happen but what should happen.

1. Indianapolis Colts- Andrew Luck
2. Washington Redskins- Robert Griffin III
3. Minnesota Vikings- Morris Claiborne
4. Cleveland Browns- Trent Richardson
5. Tampa Bay Bucaneers- Stephon Gilmore
6. St. Louis Rams- Justin Blackmon
7. Buffalo BillsT- Matt Kalil
8. Miami Dolphins- Ryan Tannehill
9. Carolina Panthers- Quinton Coiples
10. Jacksonville JaguarsT- Michael Floyd
11. Kansas City Chiefs- Luke Kuechly
12. Seattle Seahawks- Fletcher Cox
13. Arizona Cardinals- Dontari Poe
14. Dallas Cowboys- Mark Barron
15. Philadelphia Eagles- Mark Ingram
16. NY Jets- Courtney Upshaw
17. Cincinnati Bengals- Riley Reif
18. San Diego Chargers- David Decastro
19. Chicago Bears- Michael Brookers
20. Tennessee Titans- Whitney Mercilis
21. Cincinnati Bengals- Dre Kirkpatrick
22. Cleveland Browns- Kendall Wright
23. Detroit Lions- Cordy Glenn
24. Pittsburgh Steelers-Dont’a Hightower
25. Denver Broncos- Jerel Worthy
26. Houston Texans- Stephen Hill
27. New England Patriots- Chandler Jones
28. Green Bay Packers- Andre Branch
29. Baltimore Ravens- Peter Konz
30. San Francisco 49ers- Janoris Jenkins
31. Cleveland BrownsT- Jonathan Martin
32. New York Giants- Coby Fleener

    In honor of the 500th episode of the Simpsons(did I see any of the last 150, I don’t think I have), I will name my top ten list of favorite simpson’s episodes.

1. Bart Sell’s His Soul- I oddly love this for the B plot that involves Moe opening a  family restaurant.  Loving Moe more than any other character I will is like having Spider being your favorite character in “Goodfellas.”
2. Hank Scorpio- Albert Brooks best work of the last 20 years is in this episode, and I can say this easily as “Defending Your Life” was 24 years ago.  Maybe the most quotable episode of all time in every day speech.
3. Homer’s Enemy- If it were strictly on idea only this would be the best episode of all time.  The reality that if you knew Homer, he would annoy the shit out of you.  
4. Last Exit To Springfield- If it only had the Lisa needs braces/dental plan run it would be number 4, but there is so much more.  
5. Marge vs. The Monorail- Conan wrote this masterpiece.  Done.

“My great aunt lived next to the Wright Brothers.  How has that never come up?”

      I know why it didn’t come up, who cares?  If your old aunt told you that as a kid you would have wanted that nonsense out of your head by the time Family Ties came on.  Right after Cosby but before Cheers.   My great great aunt grew up with Tom Postan and guess what he really wanted to fuck her, and that still isn’t that interesting.

      What does neighbors really mean.  They lived in North Carolina back when 90 people lived there, and they lived on farm big enough TO BUILD A PLANE.  Your neighbor was 20 miles away and you never saw them except when someone thought there was the small pox.  They had a runway on their lawn how often did the neighbors show up?

     Also who is to say they were good neighbors?  Maybe your great aunt was  a total bitch who would constantly remind them man was not meant to fly.  Maybe they were loud, and she would throw rocks at their house.  Maybe the Wright brothers threw a football in her lawn and she kept it like a real fucking jerk.  I’m sure under her breath she called them, those idiot wrong brothers who couldn’t make a bird fly with a catapult.

     I live so close to my neighbors yet I don’t know their names.  I politely wave and walk faster to my house or to my car so as not have to use one of my four proven small talk favorites.  So your Aunt being the neighbor of the men who invented flight is not something you should be either amazed or shocked wasn’t Thanksgiving conversation.  Idiot. 

1.   The Lovely Bones-  No this not based on the book.  A lot of people think that.  This is a really fun movie about a fat girl getting asked to prom and how she truly wins in the end.  Her grandma played by Debbie Reynolds says she has lovely bones.  LL Cool Jay plays the principal.

2.  There Will Be Blood-  Kate Hudson plays a girl that meets the man of her dreams while helping her best friend a doctor(Kirsten Wiig) drawing blood for a patient that happens to be the mayor(Derek Jeter in his first film role).  She has to pretend she is still a doctor or Kirsten Wiig will lose her licence and how does she keep the man of her dream who thinks she is someone else? 

3. Milk- Former child star Jason Segal famous for his milk commercials (“Mom, Can I Have Another?” “Cookie Honey,” “Nooo Milk.”) tries to get back into acting.  Can he impress his father the director(Rob Reiner) enough to give him a part in the big war movie he is directing.  He has friends I think Paul Rudd may be one of them.

4. Atonement-  It’s from Pixar.

5. 28 Days Later- The sequel to that delightful Sandra Bullock where she plays a drug addict but it was funny.  No I promise it was.  No really it’s in comedy section.  Anyway she is back in and funnier than ever.  ”Yes I know there are vampires on the cover.”

     When having a best break up story contest, friends of Ben would call him at all hours of the day or night.  He was the ace of spades in this ridiculous game played at parties where women dance around with wine glasses or where men say, “bitches man, stone cold.”  Like Hemingway, Ben had gotten rid of all the details.  It wasn’t a story of flourishes and wit.  It wasn’t about that nuance.  It was a math problem.  A very whorish math problem.

     His girlfriend Abby decided they needed a break.  Ben wanted to be assured this was not a break up but simply a break.  Abby assured him very convincingly that after she had slept with 9 guys, she would be back.  

      “I need to live.  I’ve only been with you, and I just feel like I don’t know who I am as a woman.”

     It was very rehearsed.  So rehearsed that he accepted it.  He truly loved her.  He loved her enough to allow her to have sex with 9 men, and then no questions ask come back.  He would pause at that moment.  He would allow everyone to truly consider what it meant.

      Many believe that she would never come back.  That he was the classic just in case cock if this whole plan didn’t work.  But Abby came back.  She knocked on his door and cheerfully said I’m back baby.  She had did what she needed to do and was back.

      Ben would let the story lay there unfinished like everything Chaucer ever wrote.  This clearly did not win anything, but like all two men comedy teams Ben needed his straight man.  We all have done it.  It’s a pretty easy moment that leads to whose on first of break up stories.  I prefer to say it like this, “How long before she came back to you?”

      “1 day.”

………..

     I admittedly figured this out during a dream where I was taking the AP History test and the free Response question was based on this cover from Avengers 1, and I had all this to write and only a post it note to write it on.  But unlike all my dreams where I’m somehow in the Rat Pack and I’m trying to talk Dean into a movie where we play astronauts, this actually makes sense.  All the fears America has about Government are represented by the Avengers.  Both red state and blue states fear the other side and what it wants from the Government.  Much like how each of the Winnie the Pooh characters represents a mental illness I doubt this was the point but it works.

Captain America-  The military complex(The Left).  This is maybe the most obvious, but it has it’s merits.  The patriotic hero who believes in America.  A classic example of support the troops not the war argument as many times in the comics Captain America has questioned America, but never out and out goes against his country. 

Iron Man- Big business controlling Government(The Left).  Mitt Romney in a metal suit.  Why we would want great business men wasted in a system meant to not allow big heroic moves is beyond me.  Also Tony Stark is part of that dreaded 1% people in tents are angry about.

Thor- Religion(The Left).  We don’t really understand why he does what he does but we know we think it’s stupid.  It’s interesting that the big three all represent the fears of the left.

Hawkeye- 2nd Amendment(The Left)- Gun nuts everywhere should have a poster of the Archer on their wall instead of Ann Coulter.  He’s hot tempered shoot first ask questions later type of guy.  He can pretend its mainly for recreation but he would enjoy nothing more than to kill an intruder in his house.  In the Ultimate Universe they even went as far as to give him guns. 

Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver- Immigration(The Right).  Not only are they gypsies but they are also mutants.  Sure there women are hot, but should we really let them burden our country.  Sure they serve a vital cog in our country, but I don’t really understand what they are saying.

Giant Man/Henry Pym- Artificial Life/Runaway Science(The Right).  Before Terminator and The Matrix Henry Pym created the first robot that wanted to destroy humanity.  Ultron is the perfect metaphor for both the rights fear of cloning and medical advances that make life seem insignificant.

Vision- Abortion(The Right)- This may seem like a stretch but many an issue revolved around is The Vision alive or dead.  Can you really kill Vision if he really isn’t alive at all.

It would be easy to keep going with The Wasp(The Credit Crisis), Wonder Man(Hollywood’s effect), and The Hulk(Tea Party Morons) but then whats the joy in that.  Well probably none for you, but for me every issue is better than the Washington Post.  I don’t even want to get started on Luke Cage. 

Dear Soon To Be My Beloved,

You don’t know me, although it feels like we have known each other since time first spat out of Odin’s mouth.  Right!?!?  I would like to ask you a small favor.  You have placed a vase(or is it vace I don’t trust spell check since it was invented by computers that want me to kill Don Johnson to prove I love you) in front of the tiny hidden camera I have placed in your living room.  I have decided to not illegally enter your home again as I have so often done.  I feel this has led to distrust growing between us.  I feel this as you think about me during your nightly run around your neighborhood.  I like the new route you chose as it is easier to follow from a safe yet loving distance.  God can I ramble.  Anywho.

     It would be great if you could move the vase/vace, but I have to ask you to please not acknowledge the camera in anyway.  It would ruin the whole experience for me.  I would like to assure you I have only one camera in your house.  I don’t like cooking shows so not in the kitchen, the bathroom(bleck), and I feel like the bedroom should be saved for the night you make me a man while that super romantic song from Lawnmower Man plays(don’t worry I have it on several cds I have made for you, for us.)

Love Intently Always,

Ga(wow almost got me there.  Can’t put a restraining order if you don’t know my name)

P.S. Please have the camera moved before Friday.  That’s kind of date night.

I freely give this list to all young promising bands in need of a good name.  I simply ask you do not have a singing bass player or ever in the middle of song talk about the plight of the working man.

1. Muffled
2. Broken Sauce
3. Farley
4. Love On Stilts
5. The Kronkites
6. Fashion Don’ts
7. Severely Seven
8. The Forgotten
9. Grape Penguins
10. Closet Donuts

Yeah this is a strange one, but one of my many lost calling due to time constraints of me being born to late is I will never get to write for a lady comic of the 1980s.  Here is ten minutes from a special I can only imagine to be called, “That Babysitting Whore.”

Thank you, thank you.  Good to be here, good to be out.  Usually to get out of the house I have to throw away good milk or pretend one of my parents has dementia(laugh break)

Yeah dad is lost again, yes I’m the only one that can find him.  Ian is lighting the drapes on fire.  I have to go. (laugh break)

What is it with little kids not wanting to take naps and teenagers only want to take naps.  They sleep 20 hours a day and yet they are still cranky little bastards.  Am I right folks (agreement break).  They will never have that few worries in the world yet they are stress machines.  I mean you tell your teenage son maybe girls don’t like Pantera all that much and he kills the family dog(awkward silence)

But seriously folks, I just have one goal as a parent of a girl.  No stage names.  No Candy or Charisma or Sparklecuoch   Just have to keep em off the pole.  It’s a tough job. I tell you it is a balancing act of enough love but not letting them believe they are hot shit.  Letting them know that there body is nothing to be proud of but not enough self hate to date Russell at Pep Boys (adjust her shoulder pads) who is 25 and lives at home.  2 for 2.

Some one mentioned naps yesterday.  

“It was you,” shouts audience member.

Mommy needs a nap I will tell you what.  I mean mommy needs a little nap juice,the red flavor, and then it’s two hours of imagining what people with actual dreams do.(some people leave)

Kids are the thing.  They are the future.  You see some bad parenting when you’re out on the town.  Kids just getting smacked to hell, but I don’t hit my kids.  I subtly and thoroughly mentally torture them.  Every day you have a different favorite kid and it’s for different reasons that contradict the last one.  Got to keep them on their toes(hear some waiters making plans for after this unfunny bitch gets off stage)

But you have to raise them.  Nothing beats the love and education of a mother….And besides I think my husband is checking out the baby sitter’s ass.  Little Whore…thank you and tip the staff (Vacation by The Bangles plays)